Sunday, March 21, 2010

I Still Believe

I have come to realize that some of my biggest questions in life may never be answered. And I am learning to accept and live with that.

Because I have some BIG questions they are directed at God. He is a BIG God and He is the only one who could possibly know the answer.

After my Kyle died I honestly didn't lose my faith. I didn't question my salvation. I still believed that God is loving and sovereign. But, I did have some BIG questions... Why did my Kyle die? Why didn't you stop those things from happening that day? Why didn't you heal him? Do you really have my back God? Any guarantees I'll never have to feel this fear and pain again?

After 28 months, I still don't have the answers. I don't think I ever will have the answers ... at least not this side of heaven. And to be honest, I don't think my "mommy's heart" could hear any answer good enough to explain why my son died so suddenly and violently that day. I also don't think that I could understand the wisdom of God with my human mind. Even if somehow He did sit me down and explain the answers to my "Whys?" - I still wouldn't get it.

Maybe God didn't give me answers, but what He has given me I am thankful for. He has given me comfort and strength, assured me that I will see my Kyle again, given me a deeper empathy for others who are hurting and a new appreciation for my family and friends.

About eighteen months or so into my grief journey I realized that my not understanding the "Whys?" certainly didn't change WHO. Not having the answers didn't change the truth. It didn't change who God is or anything concerning His character. So, because of that I am able to say - "I am thankful for God's love, grace, mercy and faithfulness. Even if I don't understand all the "Whys?" in life - I still Believe!"

I want to encourage others to trust Him with their Big questions. I want others to know that God is loving, faithful, gracious and merciful. And even if we don't get the answers to those Big questions in life, we can trust a Big God who knows the answers (even when He doesn't reveal them). We can still believe!

Keep Believing,


  1. This week a friend was in a car accident with her husband and son while on the way home from her other son's graduation breakfast. The husband died instantly and the son broke all his ribs and both arms. Miraculously, Shona survived. The next day, Landon still walked the aisle with her looking on and received his diploma. There are no words . . . as you know. Eric was an amazing dad and husband. Such loss. There are no answers, and it is hard to fathom that God knew that day would end as it did. More incredible than anything is that we are able to say that regardless what happens, God is good . . .all the time. Thank you for the reminder that we don't have to have the answers. We just have to accept God's gift of grace to see us through.

    Hugs to you, friend!

  2. Oh Denise - this brings tears to my eyes. I don't know the pain Shona is dealing with (each person's pain is different), but I do know the pain of lossing a loved one and my heart breaks for her. It can be sooo very hard. And the questions can be so Big. I will keep her and the boys in my prayers.


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