I have come to realize that some of my biggest questions in life may never be answered. And I am learning to accept and live with that.
Because I have some BIG questions they are directed at God. He is a BIG God and He is the only one who could possibly know the answer.
After my Kyle died I honestly didn't lose my faith. I didn't question my salvation. I still believed that God is loving and sovereign. But, I did have some BIG questions... Why did my Kyle die? Why didn't you stop those things from happening that day? Why didn't you heal him? Do you really have my back God? Any guarantees I'll never have to feel this fear and pain again?
After 28 months, I still don't have the answers. I don't think I ever will have the answers ... at least not this side of heaven. And to be honest, I don't think my "mommy's heart" could hear any answer good enough to explain why my son died so suddenly and violently that day. I also don't think that I could understand the wisdom of God with my human mind. Even if somehow He did sit me down and explain the answers to my "Whys?" - I still wouldn't get it.
Maybe God didn't give me answers, but what He has given me I am thankful for. He has given me comfort and strength, assured me that I will see my Kyle again, given me a deeper empathy for others who are hurting and a new appreciation for my family and friends.
About eighteen months or so into my grief journey I realized that my not understanding the "Whys?" certainly didn't change WHO. Not having the answers didn't change the truth. It didn't change who God is or anything concerning His character. So, because of that I am able to say - "I am thankful for God's love, grace, mercy and faithfulness. Even if I don't understand all the "Whys?" in life - I still Believe!"
I want to encourage others to trust Him with their Big questions. I want others to know that God is loving, faithful, gracious and merciful. And even if we don't get the answers to those Big questions in life, we can trust a Big God who knows the answers (even when He doesn't reveal them). We can still believe!